I am convinced that the Internet is the most efficient medium ever devised for the dissemination of jokes. I get sent quite a few jokes from various friends who, in turn, have gotten them from their friends. Below are some of my favorites. A warning: this page is uncensored. I'll be adding new things from time to time, so come back for another visit soon. And be sure to send me your contributions, too.
Many friends send me humorous lists, and I love to post them on my humor page, but some of them are lengthy and therefore make this page a little unwieldy. So I've decided to give my favorite lists pages of their own. Jump to them from here:
|Jane's list of product warnings||Cartoon Laws of Physics|
|Marsha's revised dictionary||Susan's list of short books|
|Marty's Signs||Your fly is open!|
|Jerry's English lesson||Laura's list of Dilbert-isms|
|Robert's cowboy truisms||Lindsey's "Kids in church" jokes|
|Robert's list of PC slang||Laura's golf terms for ladies|
|Gene's list of former jobs||Laura's list of dogs' pet peeves|
|Scott's church signs||Marsha's stock market terminology|
|Walt and Kathy's Southernisms||Bad celebrity child names|
No comment. . .
From the "What were they thinking?" file:
Top 10 Bad celebrity name list:
10. Rumer Glenn, Tallulah Belle and Scout LaRue, daughters
Bruce Willis and Demi Moore
9. Jett, son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston
8. Diezel and Denim, sons of Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis
7. Prince Michael, Prince Michael II (AKA Blanket), and Paris Michael, children of Michael Jackson
6. Speck Wildhorse and Hud, sons of John Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin
5. Pilot Inspektor, son of Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf
4. Tu Morrow, daughter of Rob Morrow and Debbon Ayre (seriously)
3. Audio Science, son of Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton
2. Moon Unit, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan, Dweezil, and Diva, children of Frank Zappa
1. Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and Pixie, daughters of the late Paula Yates (Tiger Lily's dad is the late Michael Hutchence; Bob Geldof is father to the other three)
Quintessential John Cleese (thanks, Gene):
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable." With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up... Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics." Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Allow Sheep to Wear Lipstick."
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
Gene sent me these graphics that illustrate "What might have been"
A couple of amusing links:
Flight announcements we'd like to hear
A few advertising slogans that never made it to Prime Time (courtesy of Laura)
My old friend Rick in Charlottesville sent me these pictures that make you wonder: "What were they thinking?"
The punishment should fit the crime
Jerry's observation on cardiovascular risk factors:
The Chinese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Gene offers a little medical humor . . .
(Gene died in February of leukemia. He was a good friend, exceptional wit, talented musician, and faithful member of Lakewood United Methodist Church, where he is sadly missed)
Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said. "I think I'll have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it as really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?
Jane writes . . .
Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like...what is the definition of a jerk? Actually, only jerks ask themselves that question. The rest of us know.
In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the midst of a deactivation. The guy behind him, well, he's a jerk.
Robert (a non-golfer) sends this golf story. . .
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. "But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
Laura sent me this Art Linkletter-esque story:
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's six-year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"
"I will if those useless bastards at the lumber yard ever bring us the damn drywall," replied the little girl.
Marty sent this cute story about one of life's embarrassing moments:
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by 2
female teachers, went on field trip to the local race track to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horsies.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, began hoisting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."
Gene offers advice on how to avoid a speeding ticket:
Jerry uncovered a secret plot to sabotage the English Language:
From Glen Green:
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment. The coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face and dad starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. She then gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill- effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a divorce attorney."
From Ruth, in Chapel Hill, some practical advice for outdoorsmen:
COLORADO DIVISION OF WILDLIFE ALERT
The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
The Rev. Billy Graham told this story at the Jacksonville Crusade:
A fellow from Texas was vacationing in New Jersey, and ended up at the horse races. A devout Baptist, he knew that gambling was a sin, and of course had no intention of placing any bets. Before the first race, though, he spied a priest gesturing over a horse, and was surprised when the horse won the race. Before the second race, he noticed that the priest was gesturing over another horse, which also went on to win the race. A third time he witnessed the same sequence of events. So the fourth time he sees the priest gesturing over a horse, he decides that it must not be a sin if a priest is involved, so he'll bet all his money on the horse, and when he wins, he'll give all the winnings to his church. Midway through the race, the horse checks up, bucks its rider off, and falls to the ground, dead. The confused Baptist approaches the priest and explains that he doesn't understand how all the other horses blessed by the priest won, but this one didn't. The priest replied: "You're not Catholic, are you?" The Baptist fellow responds: "Well, no, but I don't understand why that's important." The priest explained: "Because if you were Catholic, you'd know the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."